Christina Grimmie is dead, and I’m struggling to find meaning in my music again.

Oh my goodness. I’m in an absolute state of shock; I can’t accept this is happening or true. Christina Grimmie is dead at 22; shot after her concert in Florida while she was on tour. 

I can’t; she’s just gone from the world like that? I don’t understand, I refuse to accept it; I literally looked at her twitter and she last tweeted about her concert 7 hours ago. She should be happy, healthy and …naturally asleep right now. She’s got so much to do, so many people to meet, a life to live, more lives to touch and influence with her positive presence, a family to be with and a family to eventually have. She’s such a talented singer, and she’s been an enormous inspiration to people everywhere–through Youtube, through The Voice, and through her faith.

Although I don’t know her, and I never will get the chance to meet her now, she’s been really, really important to me and critical to how I’ve grown over the years. She was the first youtuber I ever watched a cover of–her Just a Dream cover with Sam Tsui was my first ever exposure to the world of covers and playing music that wasn’t printed on a sheet. And thus, she was the person who inspired me to start “making music”–that’s when I started arranging pieces on the piano, making mashups of stuff, and just creating music in general.
How is this freaking possible? I’m really going crazy. I’ve never had someone remotely important to me die, and as she was the first–and even though she was just a role model I’ve never met in real life, I’m really upset. I can’t imagine how her friends feel, much less her family and her brother–it’s unfair. It’s cruel. It must be absolutely horrible.
It’s such a wretchedly sad thing for young people to die before their time. It’s an absolute shame and a waste and it makes no sense. I don’t understand why her killer did it, or what his motivations were, or what he was thinking, but I don’t wish to spew hate about him. Ineloquently, as someone who’s not good with her words, I really just don’t want there to be hate and anger floating around. Rather, I just hope we can all honor Christina’s memory.
It’s sort of sad, I’m sitting at my laptop typing at 3AM crying and listening to that song just to hear her voice, feeling all gray inside. A few minutes before my friend told me the news, I was working out English lyrics for a Korean song I wanted to cover, and had been happily struggling with the chorus for several hours. Now everything’s halted. I feel uninspired and utterly unwilling to pick up my pencil again. I’m questioning a lot of things, and I’m sure plenty of others are too. Christina’s death is a tragedy that’s really put me upside down and I’ve abruptly been forced to remember that death exists, and yes, it can happen to any of us at any time, no matter who we are, what we do, or where we’re at.
I’m not really sure what I’m trying to express, my thoughts are a bit of a jumbled mess…but I hope that everyone holds their loved ones a little closer, and remember to say and do the things that let them know that every day. I know I’ll hugging my family a lot more from now on.
I think I might have lost my voice for a little while (metaphorically meaning, my desire to sing and make music), but it’ll return in time. For now, I have some bigger things to think about.
Rest in peace Christina. You’ll be missed, but you’ll live on. Thanks for helping me find my voice in the first place.

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